Life right now...

Sometimes I wonder how the hell I ended up where I am. Was it Gods will or mine that got me in the Army? A stupid question to me, but I have been asked this many times by people. God puts us in situations to refine us and sharpen us. A tough time in my life means that God is changing me and molding me into what he wants me to be. I can't think of harder transition for me than from a hard thinker toward the New Monastic movement and pacifism to going to the US Army involved in two wars and other secret and peacekeeping missions around the world. I miss civilian life and its freedom dearly. I miss hanging with friends and talking about God and challenging our thinking and views on who God is. I sound like I'm low right now, and thats because I am. Some days I feel somewhat content and think that its all good and other days I wonder why the hell I'm where I'm am. I feel like I am in hell sometimes, but it is shaping and molding me. Part of learning to be a leader is learning to stand up for truth when it makes you unpopular and makes people hate you. Its justice and its what I have been learning lately. I am different than I was back in February when I left for the Army. I am less concerned with looking like a Christian and being a Christian, I am more concerned in Truth and loving my God and trying to do his will and understand him. I am living for the Gospel, not Christianity or any other religion. I will continue to do things I despise and make me uncomfortable to become who God wants me to be. To lose me and gain Christ is what I want, I just suck at it.